father issues

Father's Day was this past Sunday. I always have mixed feelings on father's day.  I love spoiling my husband so I now try to focus on him but its also a sad day.
 My father was never a father really- not like the tv shows or commercials anyways. He has passed on now over 3 years go but I still have unresolved issues. I am still damaged, still confused...
Have so much anger yet I am not angry. I don't miss him anymore then I did when he was a live but not sure if I actually miss him. I think I miss the idea of him so how does one mourn over an idea? I have a few good memories scattered through out my childhood and as a young adult but nothing real. they are vacation memories Not Real everyday memories. Not the memories that make you happy and warm inside, make you feel blessed and loved. He bought me stuff! clothes, meals, stuff I have a collection of dolls that where given to me from when he traveled for work but they were not bought with Me in mind I was a baby and these dolls are meant for a shelf not for a child. Nothing was given to me with me in mind to show he knew me or even that he cared. the few birthday cards where picked out by a current girlfriend or wife or maybe it was my Granny I am not sure. Have one card for my 13th birthday that was clearly meant for a small child maybe 6?
 I mostly got broken promises, promise the world then not call for a year. When you were with him he was such a great guy! fun, interesting and would lavish you with gifts/treats however out of sight out of mind. His children were not priorities! I only saw him once a year from the time I was 4/5 until I was 12. Then saw him when I was 17, 21 and the last time I saw him I was 23. That was over 10 years ago. He never came to my Graduation, my Wedding and he has never met my daughters. He knew about my oldest but I lost touch with him for about 3years and before we could find him again my Uncle called my brother to say he was gone.
GONE! I no longer get to hope that he will step up and be the parent I know longer get the change to have a Dad of my own. I also will never get to tell him how I feel and for that reason I feel cheated! I don't get a dad and I don't get to tell him how I hurt! I hurt growing up I hurt now not resolving my issues with him!
I get to forgive!
You don't forget though
how do you truly forgive without resolution? I can forgive that he couldn't be the father I wanted, that I needed. I can forgive his actions but how do you forgive the feelings? How do you forgive never getting the chance to tell him those feelings? How to you lay all that hurt onto a cardboard box of ashes? How do you forgive yourself for feeling angry then going through his belongings and realize his last few years were complete hell? that he is better off gone but you are still standing here hurt! not able to mourn or move past because its just an idea of a dad? I didn't have a Dad! Biologically he was my father but he was not a father. He was a man that had his own demons and issues. He was a man that I don't think I have ever seen sober/clean. Was he truly capable to love his children? Am i angry at a man that was not able to do what was right even if he wanted to?
I wrote his eulogy. I stood up in front of family I barely knew and read a letter saying Good bye to a man I barely knew.  My mother, brother and husband were there with me- the only ones that had any idea I was avoiding what I wanted to say. I still even as I write this I do not know what I want to say but I NEED that closure. I NEED him to know I am angry before I can move on. Need him to know I am Damaged because he wasn't there! A child should not need to throw out father day gifts because the father isn't around. I should't feel like I need to make sure my husband is so involved in our childrens' lives. I meant the letter I meant the words yet I still struggle. I need to deal with this I do need to move on. Its been 3 years almost 4...

will post letter later today or tomorrow...