Beautiful version of my favourite Christmas Carol
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Nuttin' For Christmas
found on YouTube just like all the other videos I post I do not take any credit for them
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Monday, November 30, 2015
Friday, August 28, 2015
Friday, August 7, 2015
a life time yet just the beginning
In a week we will have been married for 11 years! ELEVEN YEARS!!!!!
How did we survive that?
He is my Best Friend!
Some days I really don't like him though... maybe that's what marriage is really about- not killing your partner in life.
Raise me up was the song I walked down the aisle to him. It is still very suiting to our relationship he makes me a better person by seeing the real me and not the one others seem to think I am
Friday, July 31, 2015
This is were I want to be
I have started over 3 different times throughout my adult life.
Only things remain the same are my husband, children, my best friend and family.
Our moves have always been about bettering our lives.
We have made great friends along the way however the last place became very toxic more so after I moved. Lost a few friends over our move but now I understand that the friendship was never both ways. True friends never try to hurt you after you have bent over backwards to help them. too many times I have learned this the hard way. People only care about them and what they can get from you. It was easy to see the real friends after our moves the ones that still talk to us even if its just FB.
This last move needed to happen for everyone in my family. We are all in a better place and I truly have found my voice and my place in this life. I might be making it up as I go along but I have my head held high and I got this. Turns out you can only kick me down so many times!
Removed the toxic environment! The toxic people have left! We are repairing the damage that negative environment has caused us.
We lived in the last area for 8 years but with each passing year it became more toxic to the point I wasn't sure if I could deal anymore. Holding on to a memory instead of enjoying life. Wishing to see my husband happy, for me to feel happy, hating our children living with all the anger
Moving has saved my marriage, my children are thriving and I am stronger than ever! I am a mother first but I am still a women with dreams and goals. I am no longer feeling trapped I have a plan and putting it into action!!!
In Only one month I am returning to college! I will make sure I get top marks and will be employable by June! It is time for this Momma to be a career women too! No more dayhome and working from home. My babies are in full time school and do not need me home during the day.
NOW IS MY TURN!!!!! TIME FOR MY DREAMS! MY TIME TO SHINE! MY TIME!!!!!
Friday, July 3, 2015
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
letter to my father
I was not very close to my Dad and have not talked to him in a long time. This does not mean that I did not love him or that I did not think of him often.No matter what he had done, the choices he has made or the life he led, he was and will always be my father and will always have a place in my heart.
I have felt comfort in my faith and in what I believe to be true. I am comforted in knowing He is in a better place. God wants us to go back to him. Where we belong because we are ALL God’s children. God allows us to make mistakes and welcomes us when we turn back to God, our final destination. God’s primary concern is NOT our sins. She is not concerned with vindictive justice but has a concern of compassion, of graciousness, of forgiveness.
In Joel it says, “Return to the Lord, your God, for God is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love, and relents from punishing.”
God’s love is great, steadfast and unfailing. God is always motivated by love always and only by love. This mean’s God’s justice is a “saving” justice, a forgiving justice. We really should try to embrace this justice in our own hearts as well. To hate the sin but love the sinner. We don’t have to be okay with the choices Dad made but we need to still love him. He is worthy of love! (no matter what) In God’s love everyone is equal, there is no exclusivity.
We should not be afraid of the judgement of God at death because God is going to judge us as a parent, as a mother, as a father...with a loving embrace, with a big hug, as a compassionate loving parent. God is our Parent, She is a God of unconditional love. I truely believe heaven is “Being loved unconditionally by God, and is a responding by loving unconditionally to God. To embrace and accept God’s embrace, his hug, his love. I have no doubt that Dad accepted his hug, accepted forgiveness, accepted God’s love.
God was present with Dad to overcome his suffering. Liberated and led him into the Promised land. “God will wipe every tear from their eyes; Death will be no more; morning and crying and pain will be no more, for the first things have passed away.” (Revelations) “Truely I tell you, you will be with me in Paradise.”
I love you Dad and someday I will see you again.
Little Channy, Sept 2011
I have felt comfort in my faith and in what I believe to be true. I am comforted in knowing He is in a better place. God wants us to go back to him. Where we belong because we are ALL God’s children. God allows us to make mistakes and welcomes us when we turn back to God, our final destination. God’s primary concern is NOT our sins. She is not concerned with vindictive justice but has a concern of compassion, of graciousness, of forgiveness.
In Joel it says, “Return to the Lord, your God, for God is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love, and relents from punishing.”
God’s love is great, steadfast and unfailing. God is always motivated by love always and only by love. This mean’s God’s justice is a “saving” justice, a forgiving justice. We really should try to embrace this justice in our own hearts as well. To hate the sin but love the sinner. We don’t have to be okay with the choices Dad made but we need to still love him. He is worthy of love! (no matter what) In God’s love everyone is equal, there is no exclusivity.
We should not be afraid of the judgement of God at death because God is going to judge us as a parent, as a mother, as a father...with a loving embrace, with a big hug, as a compassionate loving parent. God is our Parent, She is a God of unconditional love. I truely believe heaven is “Being loved unconditionally by God, and is a responding by loving unconditionally to God. To embrace and accept God’s embrace, his hug, his love. I have no doubt that Dad accepted his hug, accepted forgiveness, accepted God’s love.
God was present with Dad to overcome his suffering. Liberated and led him into the Promised land. “God will wipe every tear from their eyes; Death will be no more; morning and crying and pain will be no more, for the first things have passed away.” (Revelations) “Truely I tell you, you will be with me in Paradise.”
I love you Dad and someday I will see you again.
Little Channy, Sept 2011
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
father issues
Father's Day was this past Sunday. I always have mixed feelings on father's day. I love spoiling my husband so I now try to focus on him but its also a sad day.
My father was never a father really- not like the tv shows or commercials anyways. He has passed on now over 3 years go but I still have unresolved issues. I am still damaged, still confused...
Have so much anger yet I am not angry. I don't miss him anymore then I did when he was a live but not sure if I actually miss him. I think I miss the idea of him so how does one mourn over an idea? I have a few good memories scattered through out my childhood and as a young adult but nothing real. they are vacation memories Not Real everyday memories. Not the memories that make you happy and warm inside, make you feel blessed and loved. He bought me stuff! clothes, meals, stuff I have a collection of dolls that where given to me from when he traveled for work but they were not bought with Me in mind I was a baby and these dolls are meant for a shelf not for a child. Nothing was given to me with me in mind to show he knew me or even that he cared. the few birthday cards where picked out by a current girlfriend or wife or maybe it was my Granny I am not sure. Have one card for my 13th birthday that was clearly meant for a small child maybe 6?
I mostly got broken promises, promise the world then not call for a year. When you were with him he was such a great guy! fun, interesting and would lavish you with gifts/treats however out of sight out of mind. His children were not priorities! I only saw him once a year from the time I was 4/5 until I was 12. Then saw him when I was 17, 21 and the last time I saw him I was 23. That was over 10 years ago. He never came to my Graduation, my Wedding and he has never met my daughters. He knew about my oldest but I lost touch with him for about 3years and before we could find him again my Uncle called my brother to say he was gone.
GONE! I no longer get to hope that he will step up and be the parent I know longer get the change to have a Dad of my own. I also will never get to tell him how I feel and for that reason I feel cheated! I don't get a dad and I don't get to tell him how I hurt! I hurt growing up I hurt now not resolving my issues with him!
I get to forgive!
You don't forget though
how do you truly forgive without resolution? I can forgive that he couldn't be the father I wanted, that I needed. I can forgive his actions but how do you forgive the feelings? How do you forgive never getting the chance to tell him those feelings? How to you lay all that hurt onto a cardboard box of ashes? How do you forgive yourself for feeling angry then going through his belongings and realize his last few years were complete hell? that he is better off gone but you are still standing here hurt! not able to mourn or move past because its just an idea of a dad? I didn't have a Dad! Biologically he was my father but he was not a father. He was a man that had his own demons and issues. He was a man that I don't think I have ever seen sober/clean. Was he truly capable to love his children? Am i angry at a man that was not able to do what was right even if he wanted to?
I wrote his eulogy. I stood up in front of family I barely knew and read a letter saying Good bye to a man I barely knew. My mother, brother and husband were there with me- the only ones that had any idea I was avoiding what I wanted to say. I still even as I write this I do not know what I want to say but I NEED that closure. I NEED him to know I am angry before I can move on. Need him to know I am Damaged because he wasn't there! A child should not need to throw out father day gifts because the father isn't around. I should't feel like I need to make sure my husband is so involved in our childrens' lives. I meant the letter I meant the words yet I still struggle. I need to deal with this I do need to move on. Its been 3 years almost 4...
will post letter later today or tomorrow...
My father was never a father really- not like the tv shows or commercials anyways. He has passed on now over 3 years go but I still have unresolved issues. I am still damaged, still confused...
Have so much anger yet I am not angry. I don't miss him anymore then I did when he was a live but not sure if I actually miss him. I think I miss the idea of him so how does one mourn over an idea? I have a few good memories scattered through out my childhood and as a young adult but nothing real. they are vacation memories Not Real everyday memories. Not the memories that make you happy and warm inside, make you feel blessed and loved. He bought me stuff! clothes, meals, stuff I have a collection of dolls that where given to me from when he traveled for work but they were not bought with Me in mind I was a baby and these dolls are meant for a shelf not for a child. Nothing was given to me with me in mind to show he knew me or even that he cared. the few birthday cards where picked out by a current girlfriend or wife or maybe it was my Granny I am not sure. Have one card for my 13th birthday that was clearly meant for a small child maybe 6?
I mostly got broken promises, promise the world then not call for a year. When you were with him he was such a great guy! fun, interesting and would lavish you with gifts/treats however out of sight out of mind. His children were not priorities! I only saw him once a year from the time I was 4/5 until I was 12. Then saw him when I was 17, 21 and the last time I saw him I was 23. That was over 10 years ago. He never came to my Graduation, my Wedding and he has never met my daughters. He knew about my oldest but I lost touch with him for about 3years and before we could find him again my Uncle called my brother to say he was gone.
GONE! I no longer get to hope that he will step up and be the parent I know longer get the change to have a Dad of my own. I also will never get to tell him how I feel and for that reason I feel cheated! I don't get a dad and I don't get to tell him how I hurt! I hurt growing up I hurt now not resolving my issues with him!
I get to forgive!
You don't forget though
how do you truly forgive without resolution? I can forgive that he couldn't be the father I wanted, that I needed. I can forgive his actions but how do you forgive the feelings? How do you forgive never getting the chance to tell him those feelings? How to you lay all that hurt onto a cardboard box of ashes? How do you forgive yourself for feeling angry then going through his belongings and realize his last few years were complete hell? that he is better off gone but you are still standing here hurt! not able to mourn or move past because its just an idea of a dad? I didn't have a Dad! Biologically he was my father but he was not a father. He was a man that had his own demons and issues. He was a man that I don't think I have ever seen sober/clean. Was he truly capable to love his children? Am i angry at a man that was not able to do what was right even if he wanted to?
I wrote his eulogy. I stood up in front of family I barely knew and read a letter saying Good bye to a man I barely knew. My mother, brother and husband were there with me- the only ones that had any idea I was avoiding what I wanted to say. I still even as I write this I do not know what I want to say but I NEED that closure. I NEED him to know I am angry before I can move on. Need him to know I am Damaged because he wasn't there! A child should not need to throw out father day gifts because the father isn't around. I should't feel like I need to make sure my husband is so involved in our childrens' lives. I meant the letter I meant the words yet I still struggle. I need to deal with this I do need to move on. Its been 3 years almost 4...
will post letter later today or tomorrow...
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Keep Holding On
yep it's just one of those days...
Hubby is getting "fixed" today I am just waiting for the call to go pick him up. Have a million things to do today but need to find time to pamper him.
Not happy we are done having kids but it is what it is. I have high risk pregnancies so even though I want another it would not be fair to put that stress on my family again. Hubby clearly is done. I will respect that even if I don't like it. I would never force him to have more children. that is his right to say no more.
Hubby is getting "fixed" today I am just waiting for the call to go pick him up. Have a million things to do today but need to find time to pamper him.
Not happy we are done having kids but it is what it is. I have high risk pregnancies so even though I want another it would not be fair to put that stress on my family again. Hubby clearly is done. I will respect that even if I don't like it. I would never force him to have more children. that is his right to say no more.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Change is hard
Sums up the last 2 years! has been an emotional roller coaster but I got this I will Survive
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Hello again, Did you miss me?
so forgot I had this blog maybe I should start this again...
so much life has happened since I last signed on....I am a different person now yet still I am confused. go figure lol
Two years ago Husband and I decided to start over. We are just now where we need to be since there was a lot of transitions that was needed to be made. We decided to move houses, communities and career paths. We needed to get away from the toxic environment we where living in. So many issues that I will not get into today.
I learned a lot about how capable I really am. We knew no one here and closest family or friends were an hour away but I did it!
That's right I Did it!!!
Me!
Hubby did not move right away with us. He stayed in our old house and worked another school year. As hard as it was to have him away and caused a lot of stress on our marriage it has also helped me grow to who I need to be. I AM CAPABLE!!! I had to get out of my comfort zone to be who I am. I am no longer afraid of what others think because what matters is what I think End of Story!
Our move has been very positive for me, our girls and my husband. He quit his job as a teacher and became a truck driver. Not really a positive change but a stress free change and that was what was needed. I have fallen in love with him all over again. (yes I still loved him but not so much the lust after him love just married love) It is not that he has changed he is the man I fell in love with, the man I married again. amazing what stress will do to a person. Seeing him not stressed, him smile and have fun is great! Having him happy makes me feel happier!
well that is the happy feels version of our move maybe I will talk about all the shit another time but not today....
so much life has happened since I last signed on....I am a different person now yet still I am confused. go figure lol
Two years ago Husband and I decided to start over. We are just now where we need to be since there was a lot of transitions that was needed to be made. We decided to move houses, communities and career paths. We needed to get away from the toxic environment we where living in. So many issues that I will not get into today.
I learned a lot about how capable I really am. We knew no one here and closest family or friends were an hour away but I did it!
That's right I Did it!!!
Me!
Hubby did not move right away with us. He stayed in our old house and worked another school year. As hard as it was to have him away and caused a lot of stress on our marriage it has also helped me grow to who I need to be. I AM CAPABLE!!! I had to get out of my comfort zone to be who I am. I am no longer afraid of what others think because what matters is what I think End of Story!
Our move has been very positive for me, our girls and my husband. He quit his job as a teacher and became a truck driver. Not really a positive change but a stress free change and that was what was needed. I have fallen in love with him all over again. (yes I still loved him but not so much the lust after him love just married love) It is not that he has changed he is the man I fell in love with, the man I married again. amazing what stress will do to a person. Seeing him not stressed, him smile and have fun is great! Having him happy makes me feel happier!
well that is the happy feels version of our move maybe I will talk about all the shit another time but not today....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)